my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
