We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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