Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
