im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
