next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
