ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
