After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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