theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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