My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
