I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
