The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dick very happy bro
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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