I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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