I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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