My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
