you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
