I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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