i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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