Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
