my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Actions speak louder than pants.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
