wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
