End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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