Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
