My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
