We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
