I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
