you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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