So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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