I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
