Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
