I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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