Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
