Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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