Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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