Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
