im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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