i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
