We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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