I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
