My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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