Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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