No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
