Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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