i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
