my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
