Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
