I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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