maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
