decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
