On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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