If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
